Alyson Hannigan

‘Date Movie’ laughless, dull affair

“Date Movie” is the latest lackluster attempt at spoofing popular movies and culture. It is so bad that upon leaving the movie theater, the average audience member will have lost approximately eight dollars of their money, 80 minutes of their life and 50 points of their IQ. An actual romantic comedy would look like Shakespeare after this abomination.

The film is written and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. It has been advertised as being “from two of the six writers of ‘Scary Movie.’” In other words, imagine “Scary Movie,” but one-third as entertaining.

The story begins with an overweight girl named Julia (Alyson Hannigan, “American Pie”) in search of true love. She dances down the street to the tune of Kelis’s “Milkshake.” Onlookers retch at her sight and one even commits suicide.

Of course, Hannigan is not overweight. She is stuffed into a fat suit. Fat suits have been on the rise ever since “The Nutty Professor” in 1996. It has been a decade. Here is a message to Hollywood: the joke is over. Stop putting actors and actresses in fat suits to get a cheap laugh. It is not funny anymore.

Julia meets an Englishman named Grant (newcomer Adam Campbell) while waiting tables at her family’s Greek restaurant, Greek Diner. The restaurant’s name is just one of many examples of the film’s unoriginality.

Depressed about being single, Julia consults Hitch. At this point, the writers did not even bother to change the name. Instead, they cast a little person (Tony Cox, “Bad Santa”) to fill Will Smith’s role. Apparently, it was assumed that his short stature would be humorous enough. It is not.

Hitch decides to “pimp” Julia in a drawn-out scene parodying MTV’s “Pimp My Ride.” In other words, Hannigan removes the fat suit. Shockingly, the writers do not jump at the opportunity to call this “Pimp My Bride.” The joke has been done before, but that seldom seems to discourage these filmmakers.

Free from her grotesque physique, Julia becomes a contestant on “Extreme Bachelor: Desperate Edition.” Coincidentally, Grant is the bachelor. Instead of handing out roses, he shoots the girls to eliminate them from the game. Lucky for Julia, she remains alive and wins a date with him.

The show awards the new couple with dinner at a restaurant called, A Restaurant. Clearly not a lot of thought was put into the names of the restaurants in this town. Before ordering, for no reason other than to reference another movie, Grant has an outrageous orgasm similar to Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally.” Not surprisingly, Julia responds by saying “I’ll have what he’s having.” This moment is unnecessary, unfunny and uninspired.

There is a difference between parodying movies and completely ripping them off. Take, for instance, Grant’s last name, which is revealed in the scene at the dinner table where Grant is getting to know Julia’s parents. It is straight out of “Meet the Parents.” Julia’s father (Eddie Griffin, “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”) asks Grant to repeat his last name. Grant says it is pronounced just as it is spelled - Funkyerdoder.

Get it? It is like Focker, but now is referring to the fact that Grant has sex with Julia. The joke worked in “Meet the Parents.” When recycled in this movie, it falls flat. How can a comedy parody another comedy? The answer is it cannot.

The success of such spoof classics as “Airplane!” and “The Naked Gun” stem from the source of their humor. The genres that were targeted in these movies were perfect for parody because they took themselves so seriously.

“Meet the Parents” should not be parodied. The same goes for “Wedding Crashers,” “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Dodgeball.” These movies were already social satires. Watching a film that makes fun of these movies is like listening to an annoying drunk person heckling a comedian - not funny.

Another huge problem is that the actors are simply not funny. They seem to be aware that they exist within a parody rather than just existing as human beings. Never at any point do the characters feel like real people. Hannigan is an especially bad actress. It is as if she took acting classes at McDonald’s Hamburger University. (Note: Hamburger University does not have an acting program).

After meeting her parents, they predictably meet his parents. Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge, who are far too talented to be appearing in this, play Mr. and Mrs. Funkyerdoder. If anything were to be risen to the level of “tolerable,” it would be their performances. Still, the overall concept is so dreadful that even the greatest comic performer could not save this movie.

Then, naturally, Julia meets Andy (Sophie Monk), Grant’s ex-girlfriend who wants to ruin their wedding. A scene in which she imitates the Paris Hilton Carl’s Jr. / Hardee’s commercial becomes a running joke that is less and less amusing on every viewing.

Will Andy successfully sabotage Grant and Julia’s wedding? Will Julia’s father ever accept Grant as his son-in-law? Is anyone even laughing at any of this?

They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Perhaps in a few years, we will be able to look back on “Date Movie” and laugh. Right now, it’s just sad.