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Lipstick Mystic (joss whedon mention)

Jennifer Shepherd

Thursday 13 April 2006, by Webmaster

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Katie Couric is leaving NBC to head for CBS. She’ll become the first solo female news anchor in network news history. Wow. That’s like being the first woman astronaut, only with a more colorful wardrobe. As instigator Mercury kicks up some action in your career sector, you’ll embrace change. Give your boss an ultimatum. "Promote me to senior barista right now, or I’ve served my last cup of coffee!"

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Indian director T. Rajeevnath hopes to cast Paris Hilton as Mother Teresa in a coming film. Hail the size of grapefruit has recently been hammering the Midwest. Is that mere coincidence? You’re certain that Hilton playing Mother Teresa would be a sign of an impending apocalypse. Grumpy Mars has you worried that the end is nigh.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

The tabloids report that Brad Pitt has been miserable since moving to a high-rise Paris apartment with Angelina and the kids. His neighbor says that the plumbing is bad in the apartment building and describes a nauseating cabbage smell that permeates the structure. Brad must be missing the luxurious $25 million mansion he used to share with Jen. A full moon could have you feeling homesick and melancholy, too.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Matthew McConaughey has turned vegetarian girlfriend Penelope Cruz into a carnivore. He credits his yummy home-cooked steaks. How could anybody possibly turn down Matthew’s meat? Lusty Mars has you hankering after some tasty tidbits. You’ll cruise the organic-produce section trolling for gorgeous strangers. You figure that if a guy can afford $10 for a head of lettuce, he can treat you to dinner.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

After proving that she could hold her own against evil vampires in Underworld: Evolution, Kate Beckinsale might become Wonder Woman. Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is considering Beckinsale for the leading role in his Wonder Woman movie. Pluto has you using your bulletproof bracelets to fend off attacks in your own life. Take refuge inside your invisible plane - if you can remember where you parked it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’ve loved Ellen Barkin since her Sea of Love days. Now she’ll co-star in Ocean’s Thirteen, playing Matt Damon’s love interest. Sometimes, it takes years of waiting before that dream role comes along. Jupiter is showing you that patience pays off. Sammy the Snitch, your longtime boyfriend, finally cooked up a deal with the D.A. and is being released from jail. Whoopee!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

Eminem has filed for a divorce from Kimberley Mathers just 82 days after marrying her for the second time. As Mercury stirs up some confusion, you could be caught up in an "I love you/I hate you" scenario. One minute, you’re ready to have triplets with your lover. The next minute, you want him banished to another continent. Allow the dust to settle before making any big moves.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

Nicole Kidman was recently questioned in the Anthony Pellicano FBI wiretapping case because, it is said, Tom Cruise once hired this same private eye to tap her phones. Tom doesn’t seem to be supportive of his women having their say. Poor Katie Holmes will have to give birth without screaming or speaking because he has persuaded her to have her baby the Scientology way. Mars says don’t let anybody pull a "Tom" on you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Uma Thurman and hotelier Andre Balazs were photographed enjoying passionate embraces in St. Barts even though they announced a split last month. Sometimes, when a relationship seems kaput, it’s the perfect time to press the "reset" button and try again. That’s what Venus is telling you. You’re feeling peeved, but maybe your current romance isn’t the culprit. It could be a bad batch of oysters.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Jerry Lewis takes on a dramatic role in a June episode of Law and Order: SVU. He’ll play Richard Belzer’s homeless uncle. The sun is encouraging you to try new stuff, too. Earth signs are notorious for getting stuck in a rut. Just because you’ve done something to death doesn’t mean that it still works for you. So ditch the high hair or the buzz cut and get with the times.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Sean Astin of The Lord of the Rings will star in an ABC comedy pilot called The Guys. And Wayne Brady will star in Flirt, a sitcom at the new CW network. The full moon is also shining a spotlight on you. You’ll have a chance to improve your circumstances. You’ll upgrade to a two-bedroom apartment from a studio. Or you’ll pull a switcheroo and start dating your honey’s best friend.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sandra Bullock will play author Grace Matalious in a film about the life of Matalious, who wrote Peyton Place. After she wrote the book, her marriage broke up, she and her kids were harassed, and she became a heavy drinker. She died at the age of 39. Uranus is encouraging you to explore some intense emotional territory, too. Confess your secret passion for spandex. Come clean about that obsession with the Brawny man. You can do it.