We all know who won the Super Bowl by now, but instead of a cumbersome game report, we decided tell it as it happened with a running commentary. Here’s what happened:

5:35 p.m. Stevie Wonder is wheeled to centre field on a gigantic party float. Oh boy, I feel a medley coming on. Yep, there it is. It’s good to see Stevie in something other than a gigantic muumuu. Oh, John Legend and Joss Stone have joined the party. “Dancin’ in the Street!” “Superstitious!” And a whole bunch of other songs I can only describe as “that Stevie Wonder song.”

5:50 p.m. The medley marathon ends! Stevie wraps it up with a State of Humanity address, “Let us come together before we are annihilated!” Followed by ESPN’s Chris Berman saying, “Motown is definitely ready for some football!” I know that’s what I read into Stevie’s statement.

6:06 p.m. Introducing your past Super Bowl MVPs! Former Steeler Lynn Swann gets a huge ovation. Joe Namath’s still got that swagger. He probably pulled in a few phone numbers while waiting in the tunnel to walk out on the field.

6:09 p.m. The Seattle Seahawks storm the field to the tune of ... “Bittersweet Symphony”? The Verve? Insert unexpected flashback of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair making out. Clearly, no one, including the music co-ordinator, wants Seattle to win.

6:17 p.m. Apparently, I’ve dropped acid. Harrison Ford is surrounded by a cartoon background and reading Dr. Seuss’s Oh, The Places You’ll Go! Very enthusiastically. Time for a bottle of vitamin C and some Allman Brothers records.

6:27 p.m. Kick-off! Pittsburgh kicks to Seattle.

7:23 p.m. Seattle is up 3-0 and Pittsburgh fans are currently using their terrible towels to wipe the nervous sweat from their collective brow.

7:40 p.m. Touchdown Pittsburgh! Big Ben stuffs it in, barely. Pittsburgh’s up 7-3. On a side note, Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher is wearing a short-sleeved Steelers mockneck turtleneck, while Seattle’s Mike Holmgren has gone with a tasteful Seahawks sweater vest.

8:06 p.m. Halftime! Rolling Stones! Surprise, surprise, they go with “Start Me Up.” The Stones have been photocopying the same set list for the last 40 years.

8:32 p.m. Fast Willie Parker! 75 yards! Touchdown! Steelers go up 14-3 at 14:38 in the 3rd quarter.

8:33 p.m. Anyone hating that beaver commercial? Wait, one of them is Norm MacDonald. Still, love the beavers.

8:52 p.m. Interception Seattle! A 76-yard run back by Kelly Herndon. Wow, a play later and Hasselback throws a touchdown for the Seahawks - 14-10 Pittsburgh.

9:30 p.m. Missed Hines Ward’s touchdown catch for Pittsburgh, apparently after a crazy reverse play. Thank you nature, for calling when you did. Really appreciate that. Pittsburgh leads 21-10 with six minutes left in the game.

9:48 p.m. Ben Roethlisberger is less than four minutes away from becoming the youngest QB to win the Super Bowl. In related news, we’re four minutes away from watching just our first sober Super Bowl. 10:02 p.m. It’s all over. After four Super Bowls in the 1970s, the Pittsburgh Steelers have finally won again, beating Seattle 21-10. Coach Cowher’s mockneck turtleneck is soaked with Gatorade and the tears of other men, Jerome Bettis’s storybook ending is a reality and, we’re reminded once again, Grey’s Anatomy is up next. Hooray for football.