Lots of big names have new shows for next season. Steve Martin, JJ Abrams, Jerry Bruckheimer and Brent Ratner among others all have pilots in the works. Read on to find out what sounds tivo-worthy and what sucks.

Desperate Housewives news! New character Tug is a teen at a rehab boot camp. He’s there because one of the wives turns him in when his buddies ask her to buy beer for them.

Nothing’s certain except for “Death and Taxes” on CSI Miami. An IRS agent is murdered, and the prime suspect is a man who is being taxed heavily due to a mistake with his dead wife’s insurance. Next in line is a man who is hiding all his assets and was being investigated by the dead man.

CBS is piloting How I Met Your Mother, the story of a relationship’s ups and downs told in flashback by a dad to his now teenaged sons.

NBC takes a less treacly approach with Confessions of a Dog. Rob and Kate are roommates. Rob’s a player who never wanted to settle down until Kate announces her engagement.

There’s more Deviant Behavior on FOX. A team of police detectives, including a solitary and intense leader, a sexy medical examiner, a gruff, older lieutenant and the rest of the characters from CSI, chase down San Francisco’s worst criminals.

Gail Gilchriest is working on a pilot for NBC that includes this year’s hottest profession, realtors! It’s our third realty show pilot. This one is set in Texas and takes place at Daisy Holiday’s realty company. Daisy is an unscrupulous Southern belle, who works with conservative Yankee Millicent and whose biggest business rival is her ex-husband.

On Medium, Allison interviews a mild-mannered murderer in a mental institution. Well, he’s mild-mannered the first time she visits him. The second time he’s a sick, manipulative bastard. Turns out, the guy’s possessed by the spirit of a 19th century serial killer who possesses people so he can go on killing.

NBC is filming a pilot called Early Bird about a guy in his 20’s who gets fired from his job. He goes to visit his grandfather in a retirement home and decides to stay there.

A baby may have killed the vibe of "Mad About You," but that’s exactly what Joshua Goldman and Cathy Yuspa’s new pilot for CBS is about. Hank and Lainey have a baby, and they can’t figure out why they can’t go on living their lovely New York romantic comedy lives, filled with restaurants, movies and one-liners. Why is the baby screwing all this up?

FOX is working with Robb and Mark Cullen on a pilot that takes place on a car lot. April and Harry are salespeople who are competing for a management position after the owner of the lot is killed filming a commercial.

What happens to your life when you become a makeover "after?" NBC is working on a show about exactly that. After Mary loses 60 pounds, her food loving family must deal with their feelings about the fabulous new Mary.

On Smallville, Kevin is a hottie who can erase people’s memories.

FOX get’s Rev’dup with a fantastically tacky pilot about a widow who is the mother of two teen sons who owes a ton of money to the town bad guy. They boys, Ethan and Jett (although I call them Bo and Luke), win the money in a road rally! Along the way, Jett gets tricked by the bad guy’s hot daughter, tricked by his skanky boss, Ethan gets tricked into stealing a police car, and their mom gets seduced by a man hired by the bad guy. Oh, and also the bad guy has twin sons who are the rivals of... I can’t go on but I’m totally watching this.

There are so many rumors about All In, the TV show about World Poker Tour player Annie Duke, I don’t even want to add to them. But Lisa Kudrow is still producing, and, they are still looking for a lead actress.

My Food Network boyfriend Anthony Bourdian’s terrific biography Kitchen Confidential is getting a pilot. It was going to be a movie starring Brad Pitt, but that passed and now 20th Century Fox is having Darren Starr direct it as an episodic. If the show is half as funny as the book, it could be a hit.

On Everwood, Ephram finds his son, while Amy finds a way to get Ephram a second chance audition at Julliard.

Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze, is playing Freddie in a pilot for NBC. He’s a professional chef (but no Anthony Bourdain) and his life gets screwed up when his two sisters, grandma and his niece move in with him.

You know what television has been missing for too long? A mguy named Cooter. Well, if NBC gets it’s way, we’ll have one. Cooter will be a former lacrosse player, famous for losing a ball, or more specifically one of his, in a freak lacrosse injury. He’s the spokesman for an athletic cup company named Iron Giant. Cooter is the lead character’s roommate and life coach.

ABC will tell us Emily’s Reasons Why Not. Emily drops guys if they fail five tests. Her new guy blows past all five, but she’s still attracted.

ABC will also give us a female Commander and Chief played by Geena Davis. When the POTUS dies, his VP takes over. She’s pressured to resign, but decides to stick out her term.

Schmidt hires an ugly woman to sexually harass Denny Crane on Boston Legal.

Christine’s ex-husband re-marries a young trophy wife also named Christine in CBS’s Old Christine.

Dick Wolf is working on a comedy set in Boston for NBC. Talking place at Goody’s restaurant, it follows the Italian and Irish working guys and their families.

They’re still looking for their Kolchak The Night Stalker at ABC. May I recommend David Duchovny?

Tori Spelling is producing and starring in Notorious for NBC. She plays Tori Spelling, a Hollywood princess who just can’t catch a break. It’s not a reality show, it’s scripted.

Carsey/Werner and Steve Martin are working on Mindy and Brenda for the dubya bee. Mindy a wacky Indian, Brenda is her All American, down to earth roommate. They live in Brooklyn with their wacky friends. Wacky!

CBS is going to tell us Everything I Know About Men. Starring poor Bex, whose father is a womanizing car dealer, finds herself in one bad relationship after another.

The Arquettes, Courtney and David, are producing Friends in the Morning for UPN. Windsor is the host of the popular "Friends in the Morning" show. She’s growing older by the Hollywood minute, and her marriage has broken up, though no ones knows that. Her new co-host is a young hottie who finds out Windsor’s secret.

Amy’s father dies and leaves her his successful sports agency, and she has to decide what to do with it on Amy Coyne on FOX.

Brett Ratner is also producing a pilot about sports agents for FOX. Two friends leave their big agency to start their own, Jerry Maguire-style.

The 4400 returns to USA this fall.

Here’s my bet for pilot that won’t air. FOX is working on Pool Guys about Jason and Sam and their secret pool cleaning recipe that their competition, pool girls in bikinis, is trying to steal.

Conan O’Brien and Holly Hester are producing a pilot for NBC about Carol who up and leaves her marriage. She works with a bunch of stereotypical nerds at a web design firm.

On Six Feet Under Claire’s new boyfriend is a nice, Jewish lawyer.

There are Crazy Lawyers coming on FOX. Chris O’Donnel and Adam Goldberg are buddied up by their psychiatrist, and must look after each other and keep each other’s neurosis and problems under control.

Delinda’s Amish cousin comes to Las Vegas for Rumspringa.

Brian Grazer’s pilot for the WB is about what happens when your daughter, conceived by a sperm bank visit, decides it’s time to bring daddy into her life. The Best Laid Plans often go awry and all.

JJ Abrams’ new pilot is What About Brian for NBC. Brian wants a wife and family but just can’t seem to commit. He’s looking for the perfect woman and he finds her in his best friend’s fiancee.

Jerry Bruckheimer’s pilot for Warner Brothers is Evolution of Man. It’s about three selfish manboys who hire a life coach to improve their lives and relationships. Unfortunately, this means they have to, *gasp* change.

And, to end on what could be the strangest news of all, Jesus (yes, Him), will be a regular character on Denis Leary’s Rescue Me.