Sarah Michelle Gellar

Darko in Here: Richard Kelly sure is taking his time making his second movie. Of course, we’re still trying to figure out his first, Donnie Darko, so this may actually be an act of mercy. But during a visit to the set of his sophomore effort, Southland Tales, Kelly and the film’s stars—Sarah Michelle Gellar, the Rock and Seann William Scott—took turns trying to explain the flick to us. It took four hours, and we’re still not sure we understand...

The Apocalypse, Now with Jokes: Here’s how director Kelly describes the film: "This movie is about the end of the world, and it’s a comedy. We wanted to make a film that conveys the frustration and unease a lot of my friends are feeling about a lot of things happening in the world right now. And to try to tell it in the most entertaining, fun way possible." Yep, sounds fun!

Sarah Michelle Gellar to Do Porn, Home Shopping Network: Okay, the Buffy babe only portrays a porn star in the movie, but she has a line of products that should do well as movie tie-ins. "I have my own clothing lines, my own album dropping, my own warming gel, my own lubricant line, energy drink," says Gellar, as we were making out our shopping list. "I’m the spokesperson of Golden Palace. I figure I’ve gotta have a perfume. Everyone’s got a perfume. Dropping an album—you see my music video. Oh, and my reality show. We forgot the reality show."

The Future’s So Blight We Gotta Wear Shades: People are paranoid, all the cops quit the force—and, dang it, there aren’t any flying cars, but this grave new world certainly does have a familiar feel. "There are a lot of influences from the past in terms of wardrobe and costume," says Kelly. "A lot of influences from the ’50s—the Cold War paranoia and film noir of the era, some German stuff." Germans? Cool.

To Live and Die in L.A.: Kelly chose L.A. for the apocalypse, because, well, trends start here, right? The Rock puts it best: "It’s a love letter to Los Angeles, and it could be a bitch-slap as well." We’re used to that kind of thing here, actually.

All Singing? All Dancing? All Rumors! The film is not a musical, contrary to popular Internet gossip. (When was the last time you believed what you read on the Internet?) "There are definitely musical influences in it, but it’s really nothing to be worried about," says Kelly, although the Rock does reveal details about a big dance number "with my wife and my girlfriend." Wow, a threesome!

They Know What They’re Doing, Right? If we make it sound like a complex film, well, maybe that’s because even the cast and crew get flummoxed talking about it. "If you’re on this film long enough, you actually confuse yourself," says Gellar. "Two characters were shot the other day, and we got into a 25-minute discussion, no joke. We couldn’t remember who shot whom."