Sarah Michelle Gellar

Mondays mornings are Pain. But the Monday morning box office numbers are Relief.

1. The Grudge 2—$22 million

Somehow, despite our best intentions to waste twelve bucks on something carefully engineered to steal teenagers’ money, we didn’t make it out to The Grudge sequel. But from what we understand, [SPOILER ALERT? Sort of?] Sarah Michelle Gellar sticks around for the minimum amount of time to get Grudge’d and hand over the sinking franchise to Amber Tamblyn. Hopefully, the facts that even B-listers like Gellar are bailing on these movies and this installment took in $17 million less than the original will finally bring an end to the dirty-undead-children-offing-slumming-actresses genre, at least before they make it to The Grudge 4, starring the second lead from an as-yet-unwritten teen drama from The CW’s 2008 schedule.

2. The Departed—$18.675 million

While some have criticized Nicholson’s performance as a little too much "Jack" and not enough "character," we think he showed admirable restraint in the much-anticipated strap-on scene. A lesser actor would have let the dildo wear him, but Nicholson was fully in control of his huge, supplemental appendage as he menaced Matt Damon with its veiny girth in that porno theater.

3. Man of the Year—$12.550 million

It’s clear from Man of the Year’s soft opening that a well-timed trip to rehab and the resulting press junket confessionals are no longer the promotional weapons they once were.

4. Open Season—$11.8 million

The first seven names on the Open Season credits provide more proof that this year’s glut of animated films has led studios to cast them completely randomly from the pool of actors not toiling on higher-profile CGI talking animal projects: Martin Lawrence, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Favreau, Gary Sinise, Jane Krakowski, Debra Messing, and Billy Connelly.

5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning—$9.643 million

It’s bad enough that Michael Bay’s messing with Chainsaw’s legacy, but we’re really going to be upset when his production company’s remake of The Hitcher finally reaches the theater. The best Rutger Hauer-stalking-C.-Thomas-Howell movie ever made should never be tampered with. And no one can play the mix of shock and disgust over almost biting into the severed finger hidden in his truck-stop French fries like Howell. No one.