Sarah Michelle Gellar

These Americans sure do love their opportunistic sequels to opportunist remakes of horror films; after last week’s high showing for that Texas Chainsaw Massacre nonsense, The Grudge 2 is top of the US weekend box office.

And because The Grudge 2 is number one in the US weekend box office, it’s made us realise two very important things about people. 1) Americans are big fans of little grey Asian boys who try and sneak looks up your skirt in phone boxes with their creepy eyes and 2) Most people would happily go and pay to see any old shit so long as Sarah Michelle Gellar dies in it.

The Grudge 2 is currently sitting pretty at the top of the US weekend box office like, ooh, like a freaky dead Japanese girl sitting on top of the desk that you’re hiding from freaky Japanese girls under. And somehow The Grudge 2 has made it to the top of the US weekend box office despite getting one of the biggest critical savagings of the year, with Rottentomatoes.com only giving it a ranking of 8%. To be fair, that does still make it 400% better than The Covenant. Here’s the US weekend box office top five...

1 - The Grudge 2 (The Grudge 2 is the film that takes the premise of The Grudge 1 - what would happen if a creepy grey Asian kid followed Sarah Michelle Gellar around for a bit - and turns it on its head, by making a creepy grey Asian kid and his creepy grey Asian friend follow a girl who isn’t Sarah Michelle Gellar around a bit. But don’t worry Sarah Michelle Gellar fans, although she’s only in The Grudge 2 for a matter of minutes, you’ll be able to see your hero soon in every other Asian horror remake ever sodding made) $22,000,000

2 - The Departed (All that fuss about Jack Nicholson’s strap on cock and it only actually features in The Departed for a split second, when Jack waggles it about in Matt Damon’s face. Hopefully the extended DVD version will show us all the scene we wanted to see, where Jack Nicholson runs down a hill in a field, Braveheart-style, laying waste to the entire Boston police force with his black prosthetic penis) $18,675,000

3 - Man Of The Year (Where Robin Williams explores what the world would be like if Robin Williams was the president of America. Result? Much the same as now, only with more White House press conferences interrupted by by internalised conversations between Ronald Regan, a homosexual air steward and a 1950s radio announcer explaining that British people say ’zed’ instead of ’zee’) $12,550,000

4 - Open Season (Open Season has broken a new boundary in film-making - it’s a film starring Ashton Kutcher and Martin Lawrence that people want to go and see. Maybe this is the start of a beautiful Hollywood partnership. Let’s hope so - we’re desperate to see a film where a confused young man travelling through several parallel universes offers to give head to a stereotypical overweight black woman dressed up as a Nazi) $11,000,000

5 - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (Lessons we learnt this week, number 19: Don’t fall asleep in front of the TV when the original version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre is about to begin, unless you enjoy waking up suddenly to the sound of terrified screaming and/or experiencing dizzying confusion, chest pains and involuntary urination as a result an hour and a half later) $7,750,000