What’s going on?

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I GET PAID to watch television for a living, but even I can’t make sense of everything that’s happening these days. Some important issues on the mind of this professional couch potato:

Jesse Palmer is a tall, athletic, handsome guy who recently played pro quarterback in one of the biggest cities in the world — and he has to go on "The Bachelor" to find a date? Hopefully, the women in this latest go-around (which debuts tonight at 9 on Ch. 7) aren’t actually football fans, or else they’ll know how much Palmer stunk things up for the Giants at the end of last season. Can he hold onto a woman better than he held onto the ball?

Why am I still hearing "jump the shark" complaints from "Sopranos" fans? Sure, the season premiere was on the slow side, but they always are, and the episodes since have been fantastic. Johnny Sack’s power grab, Junior’s walk down no-memory lane, the sudden exit of Feech were all great, and this week’s episode (rerun tonight at 9 on HBO) is in the pantheon of the best "Sopranos" hours ever. Who knew a game of telephone could have such consequence? And who knew Drea de Matteo was this good?

Does someone in the Fox executive suite have a massive crush on Eliza Dushku ? That’s the only way to explain the continued survival of the sleepy time-travel drama "Tru Calling." "Cracking Up" ? Gone. "Boston Public" ? Long gone. "Wonderfalls" ? Gone as of now. But "Tru" endures. It’s one thing to stand behind a great show with real potential to grab an audience (which Fox seems to be doing with "Arrested Development" ), but even Dushku’s most diehard fans from her "Buffy" days can’t stand "Tru Calling." Maybe the show gets canceled every week, but Dushku’s character goes back in time to save it.

Did any man who watched last night’s episode of "The Shield" get any sleep afterward? I’ll spare those of you who missed it the gory details, but Capt. Aceveda might need to spend a few years in his happy place to recover. Yowza.

Bob Dylan and Victoria’s Secret? Who thought up this media marriage? In one fell swoop, Dylan sells out and Victoria’s Secret tries to use one of the ugliest men in rock history to sell sexy lingerie. Perfect.

At what point did "Survivor: All-Stars" turn into the series’ Bizarro World edition? Rupert is incompetent, Amber has a personality, most of the great players from previous seasons are long gone and Boston Rob is suddenly so powerful that he can reach over into the other tribe and tell them how to vote? This is a guy whose previous claim to fame was leading the laziest, most inept team in "Survivor" history, and now he’s displaying more muscle than Colby and more savvy than Richard Hatch .

Speaking of Mark Burnett shows, when do Donald Trump’s "Apprentice" sidekicks George and Carolyn get their own spin-off? It would automatically be funnier than half of NBC’s schedule.

What’s going on at ABC? The industry trades are filled with breathless reports about a massive executive shuffle in the works that could include the departure of entertainment chairman Lloyd Braun and the arrival of ESPN bigwig Mark Shapiro. Braun’s exit makes sense — the guy was a numbers cruncher, not a creative type, and his biggest contribution to popular entertainment was lending his name to one of George’s rivals on "Seinfeld." But do we really want Shapiro, the man responsible for the horrifying "Cold Pizza," to get even more power?

How can the new "West Wing" writers put together an episode as thoughtful and fun as the recent Supreme Court show and then follow it up with an episode as clumsy and overly stylized as last week’s fake C.J. documentary? The Supreme Court hour would have fit right in alongside the best of Aaron Sorkin ; the documentary wasn’t fit for Aaron Spelling .

And finally:

If Fox’s "The Swan" (9 p.m., Ch. 5) is a big hit, I give up. Not on TV or TV-reviewing, because that’s still too much fun. But if a show where a group of insecure women submit to radical plastic surgery, then compete against each other in a weekly beauty pageant, becomes a big hit, I think I give up on America.

— Alan Sepinwall

In the ratings

Last week’s Nielsen top 20 featured two "CSIs," two "American Idols," two Mark Burnett reality contests and three "Law & Orders." Let’s hear it for programming diversity!

The top 20, in millions of viewers:

"CSI" (CBS, 26.5)

"American Idol," Tuesday (Fox, 25.9)

"American Idol," Wednesday (Fox, 21.9)

"Survivor: All-Stars" (CBS, 21.7)

"The Apprentice" (NBC, 20.2)

"CSI: Miami" (CBS, 19.7)

"ER" (NBC, 19.2)

"Without a Trace" (NBC, 18.1)

"Law & Order" (NBC, 17.9)

"NCAA Basketball" (CBS, 16.7)

"Law & Order: SVU" (NBC, 15.6)

"Everybody Loves Raymond" (CBS, 15.4)

"Two and a Half Men" (CBS, 14.9)

"Cold Case" (CBS, 14.2)

"Fear Factor" (NBC, 13.8)

"Friends" (NBC, 13.6)

"Will & Grace" (NBC, 13.5)

"Crossing Jordan" (NBC, 12.9)

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent" (12.4)

"60 Minutes" (CBS, 12)