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Dick Cheney to Join Wolfram & Hart - TeeVee.org April Fool’s news

William T. Bluddhey

Monday 2 April 2007, by Webmaster

LOS ANGELES, March 31 - In a surprise announcement, international law firm Wolfram & Hart confirmed today that Vice President Dick Cheney would become CEO of its Los Angeles branch following his departure from the White House in 2009.

“I’m proud of the record I’ve amassed during my years of public service,” the Vice President said in a statement released by his office yesterday, “and I’m looking forward to many more years of furthering those pursuits in the private sector. Wolfram & Hart and I share a common vision for the future of this planet, and I believe that together, nothing can stop us from achieving our mutual goals.”

The move is considered a coup for the prestigious and established firm, known for its distinguished list of high-profile clients. The Vice President was expected to return to his previous post as CEO of Halliburton after leaving office, but his new job should prove a greater challenge.

Wolfram & Hart’s L.A. branch has been one of the firm’s most trouble-plagued divisions. A gas leak in 2003 resulted in the deaths of most of the firm’s staff, while a new management team brought in the following year exited mere months later under controversial and still-mysterious circumstances, leaving considerable structural damage to the building in their wake.

Despite the upheaval, previous employees speak highly of the firm. “It was, like, a totally great place to work,” former executive assistant Harmony Kendall said of her years at Wolfram & Hart. “I mean, sure, they get stereotyped as a bunch of bloodsuckers, but that’s completely bogus. I totally dare you to name anyone living who’d call that place Hell on Earth. Omigod, do you think this means they’ll be hiring again?”

“We’ve enjoyed an outstanding relationship with Mr. Cheney over the years,” said Wolfram & Hart spokeswoman Lilah Morgan. “He’s been a longtime client of ours, but in their dealings with him, our Senior Partners have come away deeply impressed with his personal qualities and his sense of priorities. We’ve been at this business a long time, but our upper management feels they still have a lot to learn from Mr. Cheney.”

Morgan dismissed concerns regarding the precarious state of Cheney’s health. “Given our standard contract,” she said, “that shouldn’t really be an issue.”